Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Randomize
