Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Randomize
