I wish I could punch you in the face.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
