You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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