so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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