My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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