Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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