The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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