Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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