I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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