Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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