if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
