Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
