I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
