It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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