I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
