Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
