I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
