i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
