she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
BRING THE BAGELS
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
