I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
