Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
