She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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