I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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