the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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