Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
