I like to think it a success when the cops are called
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
