hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize