just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
