Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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