oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
