I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
