I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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