yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Two words: blizzard sex
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
