the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
