So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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