You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
