you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
