Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
it wasn't lemon gatorade
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
