That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
