that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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