don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
