i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i barfeds in our rink
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
