On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
