I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
