she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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