i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
