I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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