Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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