I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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