I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
