You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
