Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
