Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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