Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
