got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
