I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
It's blow job season.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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