You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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