soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
