i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
