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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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