You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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