I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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