for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
