I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
