Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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