but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
