Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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