I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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