I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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