Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
